the new normal

Probably good advice.

I know, it's been forever.  I didn't even update the end of No Dairy January.  I ate Chicago-style pizza on January 31st, and on Groundhog Day I made the fabulous mac and cheese.  After that, it was basically back to normal.

I'm going to have to change my normal a little bit.  I've lost interest in maintaining my weight; I don't really go out or see people other than work and band practice, and even for band practice I don't go out afterward because I always have work.  I'm either working or sleeping, or waiting to work or sleep.  My clothes...well, I pretty much alternate two pairs of jeans, and a few long-sleeved t-shirts, so I don't even have the motivation of clothes that don't fit.  My work clothes got a little looser in January, but I think they're shrinking up a little bit again.

Of course, now I'm getting ready to go to the NABBA Championships at the end of this month, and planning to see people I haven't seen in a while, and suddenly I'm like, shit, I've gained weight.  And my hair...jeez, my hair is long.  I haven't had my hair this long since college.  I look better with shorter hair, but I don't really give a shit.  I just pull it back for work, anyway.  I don't look in the mirror much, but when I do, there's a stranger there.  A long-haired, gray-streaked, unsmiling stranger with cute glasses.

I read a lot.  John got me started reading the Game of Thrones series, so I'm all wrapped up in that; I'm also starting to dig through our boxes for books I haven't read, or haven't read in a while.  I look at stuff online for the house, but I don't buy anything.  Bookshelves, cat furniture, garage door openers.  We got Dish network, since the dish came with the house, and I'm extremely disappointed with TV.  After three years of no cable, I'd gotten used to the quiet.  The noise is horrible.  Reality shows and those ugly commercial shows like they have on TLC and Food Network now--they have three soundtracks.  One person talking, and the background noise of the restaurant or wherever they are, and the ubiquitous music track.  Why does music have to be whored all over the place?  It's not even good music, it's canned, artificial crap.  I don't understand.  I watch Steven Colbert sometimes, and the MLB network now that spring training has started. John likes to have the TV on while he's doing other stuff with the computer, and he watches horrible, noisy shows like Perpetually Cursing Ghostchasing Frat Boys, or Hoarse-voiced Redneck Pawn Shop Mafiosi.


I auditioned for the DMA program at UT Austin, but I don't really want to go there.  I will like it well enough after I start, assuming I get enough of a fellowship to be able to attend.  I don't think they will offer enough.  UT is the same as Texas: they have a huge ego and lots of other options. They're glad I'm here, but they'll be fine if I don't stick around.

I actually get more of a sense of being needed from the hotel where I work.  They're happy I'm there.  It's a strange world, in the hotel--the only natural light in the lobby is diffused through the tinted, covered windows at the extreme far end; the light is always the same, the air is the same, the music is looped and plays the same songs at the same time every day.  The guests are the same.  The employees are like interchangeable parts of a huge machine--we change every eight hours, but we're the same.  Seasons don't change and the only way you can tell the time of day is by the number of guests in the lobby.  Sometimes that doesn't even matter.


I'm less healthy than I was a year ago.  I'm less busy, and I guess I have less stress, but I'm not exercising--I'm on my feet all day, ALL DAY, and it just hurts; I don't want to walk when I get home.  Sometimes I do a little work in the yard on my days off.  I alternate between eating plain vegetables and lean cuisines for days at a time, and then eating fantastic food when John's around.  Sometimes I eat fritos and a banana for dinner.  When I work, I usually get up at 5:30, but then they'll give me a couple of late evening or overnight shifts that completely fuck up my routine.  I don't HAVE a normal anymore.

I have to do better.  I have to find a routine, somehow; something that's not work/sleep/work/computer/sleep/work/sleep.  I have to keep fruit in my house like I did last year.  I have to buy a dresser and bookshelves and organize my quiet office/sewing room/practice room so that I want to spend time in it.  I have to get out of my house.  

I just don't feel like it.